Harry BawBags Blurt

Valentines Day … its the height of shite dont you think?

They should call it Clintons Cards day … its just a money making enterprise.

The amount of times I have got grief for ignoring it in my life is unbelievable. Id always tell girlfriends – Look!, just dont worry about getting me anything! Its aw a load of shite!

I remember one year with the Ex. She went out with her female pals the weekend after Valentines and she returned home feeling all sullen and moaning faced.

“Whits up whi ur melt?” I asked?

“All ma mates got lovely valentines gifts! How do you think it makes me feel when I have to tell them that we dont bother with it and I get nothing! Even Jane got a bunch of roses and a bracelet!”

This girl Jane was going out with a guy I was familiar with … he was a borderline psychopath … two weeks previous to Valentines he had blackened one of her eyes for staying out with her mates till the early hours. Everyone in the town knew about it.

“Ok! Ok! Ok!” I told her … “Next year I will go out my way to make sure Valentines day is special for you – Cards, Roses, Gifts the whole shebang!

… but is it ok if I burst your mooth a coupla times through the year when im annoyed about something?!”

Hh!

Ye treat yer burd with respect and affection day in day out the whole year round and then they get the hump because ye see Valentines Day for what it really is! … A pile of shite!

Its a con.

Needless to say I wasnt with her the next Valentines Day.

I never burst her mooth either though.

… aye! its true!

But I will say this –

Ah wis havin a wee song and dance to masel in the shower on Sunday morning!

Till ah caught sight of masel in the mirror!

Gie it a rest BawBags! … Yer 30 years o age noo!

Ahm just a bairn at heart.

Just a bairn.

All men know that feeling …

Its when you’ve been dumped / wronged / let down by some woman and all you can think is – “Im gonna show her!” … next time she sees me Im gonna have a new woman draped on my arm … a woman twice as good as her!

Its a decidedly adolescent hope.

Its a feeling i’ve experienced a few times in the past.

But its normally been her with the new guy and me left feeling like a prick and standing on my own nursing a pint at the bar.

Well no this time … no siree … Bawbags got to raise the trophy this time!!!

Best of it is – Ah didnae even want it tae happen! … Ah wis past caring about the Ex!

Heres the story …

So there I was on Saturday night, Bawbag Towers all imacculate due to last nights cleaning efforts and me in the bathroom, just about to put the razor to my face when the intercom goes … SHIT!

I thought it might of been another resident who had just forgotten his key so i pressed the buzzer to let them in.

Next thing I know theres a knock on the door and its her, my wee Polish friend … an hour early.

Me, with ma face covered in shaving foam and nothing but ma shreddies on just thought, “Who Cares! I wis never dignified any way … “In ye come … Ill be ready in a wee while!”

After seeing how she was looking I needed to seriously reconsider what my wardrobe was gonna be for that evening.

She looked magic … dare I say it, SEXY as hell, but in an understated way … nothing tarty or loud – just right.

Makes a change …

I’ve seen me going out with girls thinking oh fuck! Here we go! … Women wear what they wear and its their men that get intae trouble for it.

I know what youre thinkin … Bawbags thats just awful … women wear what they wear as it makes them feel good or feel comfortable!

Aye! Ahm no denying that …

…but no matter what planet your on, things like micro skirts, cowboy boots and a low cut top are gonna attract attention from all male life forms within a certain radius. And sometimes that attention manifests itself in the form leering gazes and wandering hands … and whats the bloke who is with the girl supposed to do – let it happen?

Aye Shite!

He’s gotta defend her honour and he ends up getting annoyed / aggro / battered for it!

Well!, I hear you say, men shouldnt think they can do that! Women arent just there for their entertainment! Who do they think they are!

Aye!

BUT THEY DO!

And theres no gettin away from the fact!

So button it Germaine Greer!

So i got ma Saturday best on and we hit the town.

Hh … bloody dire it is!

One High Street with three pubs … all of them packed to the rafters.

People in various states of drunkness all standing in groups outside the entrances, trying to find a wee bit of shelter from the wind so they can light their fags.

On the way in I sensed all the blokes attention on us … “Who is that?” they were thinking.

Or “Fresh Meat!” more likely.

Dont forget its a small community im in and the new arrival of a very attractive young lady represents a relatively huge change in its demographics.

Hold the front page! … Theres new fanny in town!

Ah wis feelin kinda proud about it really.

Eurgh! BAWBAGS!

Women shouldnt be regarded as trophies! … Thats Disgusting!

Yeah, it is, I know.

But auld Bawbags has had a wee bit of a bad run lately so can you no just let him bathe in the glory of it all? … just for a wee while eh!

It took us ages to get to the bar and once we were there I told her there was no way we were leaving it to go through all that stramash of people again!

So we managed to get a couple of barstools and settled doon. She was on the voddy and I was on the blackcurrant and sodas.

We were there for about an hour just getting the craic and having a fair old time of it … oblivious to the surroundings … thankfully so, as it was a pretty rowdy crowd who were in that night.

She had to excuse herself to go to the toilet, I offered to show her the way but she insisted that pointing her in the general direction would suffice.

On her return I instantly noticed that she was a bit pertubed by something.

Ma first thought was that some tube had tried it on or had taken a wee squeeze while she was making her way through the throng.

I quickly put ma hand in ma pockets to hide the fists they had formed and to stop the whiteness of ma knuckles from freaking her out.

Bawbags hates that kinda shite and feels compelled to right any wrongs … the wee chivalrous psycho that he is!

No, but seriously – it is only in the last few years I have learned to fully control that aspect of myself … It took about 8 pints of Stella Artois and a squaring up to a 6 foot two Royal Marine in Plymouth to see the error of ma ways.

Ah! … the auld days.

“Whits Up?” I asked

“There was a girl staring at me like I was a devil or someone” she said in her Polish accent.

“Where?!”

She pointed over to the seats on the raised platform at the back of the pub.

And there she was … The Ex!

Our eyes met for a moment … there was no way she could disguise that she had be staring at us.

Before I could even plan a reaction I found myself raising my glass to her and giving her the best shit-eating grin I could muster!

I think I may have even winked too!

Within ten minutes of this happening she was gone.

Bawbags 1 – Life 0

Pure magic ahm tellin ye!

Eh … Aye! … have ye got any o those flavoured ones left?

Ahve been so busy with work and the podcast I aint had a chance to blog some excitin news!

My wee Polish friend is coming to see me this weekend.

Seeing as she stays in Aberdeen shes gonna have to stay overnight.

Magic!

Its funny …

When your in a relationship and your gettin it aw the time – its no big deal.

But when yer no in one and you aint gettin it at all – its aw you can think about.

Ahm no bein crude … Its just natural.

Dont worry though … I will spare you the details.

A gentleman never tells.

Its nice tae be nice

… does ye good so it does!!!

Earlier in the week I met up with that Polish girl I got friendly with at the party in Aberdeen.

We had a day out together in Inverness … everything went great too.

I wasn’t even gonna say anything in ma blog about it but ahm fair delighted so I am!

What can I tell you about her? … 25, shes a nurse and shes fit … What more could you want!!!

After gettin the boot fae the ex, attracting any new female company was not high on my agenda … but it feels pretty good so far.

When you spend a fair bit of time with the same burd and it aint working you tend to tar all women with the same brush … theyre all bitches … whats the point in taking another one on?!!!

But theyre no all the same … no even close.

Thank Christ

Not that its anything remotely serious at the moment … but Im meeting her next week again and there has been a steady stream of email and phonecalls between eachother since the party in Aberdeen.

Shes intelligent too! … Gunter Grass and Lech Walesa were subjects of conversation the other day … makes a change from Richard & Judy and Deal or No Deal eh!

No offence to the ex, but she really was a bit dim.

Ive heard through the grapevine that she and the guy she works with are now living as a couple … she dont hang about eh! … then again, fuck knows how long she was seeing him behind my back. The latest empirical evidence suggests about 5 months.

Who Cares?

No BawBags thats for sure!

He is welcome to her … they are well matched.

She has respect for Victoria Beckham and he has deep understanding of neon under car lighting. They can lie in on a Sunday morning tucked up all cosy with back issues of MaxPower and Take A Break …

They can drive to work together and exhbit public displays of affection while walking across the car park, they dont need to worry about being seen now … BawBags is oot the game and oot the picture.

Living with her was one thing … but working with her too? … Jesus Christ!

He must be a better man than me.

Im just glad I escaped with some of my soul intact.

Anyhow, me and my current female companion ended up taking a trip out to Loch Ness as she had always wanted to see it. The weather was atrocious and we ended up just having a coffee at the visitor centre.

It was good craic and it also gave me the opportunity to reel of MY Loch Ness Monster tale. Ive been telling it to anyone who was prepared to listen for the last 10 years and now, dear reader, Im going to tell it to you!!!

Hows Yersel? … see me! … Im feeling pure magic so I am!

Ive just got back from Aberdeen and had a mad night at a great wee Polish party.

Me and the paramedic got off the train in the afternoon and were greeted in the station by his girlfriend … real looker she is too! … she took us to this house where the party was happening, Im no even sure if it was hers or not, all the furniture had been moved out of the living room to make way for these long collapsable tables they had got from somewhere. I quickly realised it was our job to set the place up … skinned a couple of knuckles getting those tables in and up but it was good craic … the paramedic and his missus kept having a wee smooch in the kitchen – that kinda thing normally makes ma toes curl but no this time … they were doing it in a lighthearted way and you could sense the warmth that they had for eachother. They had obviously genuinely missed eachother.

It made me think … Christ! Ive no felt anything like that for years!

Dont get me wrong, I wasn’t being maudlin or anything – it was just a realisation of the fact.

It made me wonder if I was even capable of feeling like that again.

I reckon its been bounced out of me.

Now I was beginning to feel maudlin!

Aww! … poor wee Bawbags … world weary at the age of 30 … Diddums!!!

Then the people arrived – SWARMS of them!

About 40 of them descended on the place within about 10 minutes … and about 75% of them were women too … Happy Days! Ahm ontae a winner here … obviously I had had a few vodkas by then.

One of them caught my eye in particular and I made a mental note of the need to corner her at some point in the proceedings and gie her a bit of the old sweet talk sweet … That is of course if she spoke English … and I can overcome my sheer ineptitude.

I am not a skilled chatter up of women … I was out once in Blackpool all on my own … poor me … (Blackpool is the worlds asshole – you can quote me on that … even better, write a song about it!). I had been standing alone at the bar of this club all night. When you are out on your own you end up drinking more – you dont have anyone to talk to so what else is there to do. I wasnt pissed but I had a fair head on. There was a table of about 6 women just sitting across from me having a whale of a time. I walked up to them and announced “Excuse me ladies, could you do me a favour … Im in here on my own tonight and Im feeling lonely … do you mind if I join you”. Sheer Class eh! Worked though! I really was feeling lonely though but thats another post that I might get round to in the future. Not a fan of reminiscing though.

Anyway, I digress.

I didnt really know what to expect from the party … I thought it would just be a case of meeting in a pub and then onto a club … I wasnt really up for that.

What followed though was fantastic!

It was all in the house … Good People, Good Food and Good Vodka … what more could you want!

I didnt have to pay for a thing, vodkas were being thrown at me from all angles and the girls cooked all the food … It was terrific too – I now have a new favourite dish!

Golabki

… pronounced gwampki I think.

Its stuffed cabbage leaves with a spiced mince and rice filling bound with a vegetable based tomato sauce. It tastes a LOT better than it sounds!

Nobody slept at all and a few of them walked us both back to the train station in the morning.

So why, Bawbags, on this sleepy Sunday are you walking around with a pure beamer on yer face and singing daft wee songs to yersel???

Well I will tell you!

Shes 25, shes from Gdansk, and shes the one I had my eye on.

She gave me the Golabki recipe early on and she gave me her number a lot later!!!

The predatory male that I am cornered her as planned and we talked all night … she even insisted on walking to the train station with us in the morning.

Just call me Bawbags … Harry Bawbags … licensed to pull !!!

Im off to have a shower

… and I may even have a wee dance wi masel !!!

Im mad me ! … Pure Mad !

Aw the best