Calvaire … New Hollywood … Sneaky Trips
January 5, 2008 at 12:41 am | In TV | Leave a Comment
Entirely sick of the usual festive fair on the television I thought the chances of me seeing a movie that got me “in the zone” were very slim indeed.
But I chanced upon Calvaire (The Ordeal) showing on Film 4 last night.
Ye gotta see this film man – it didnt exactly make ma teeth rattle but ah couldnt help feel that something had tried to scratch ma insides!
Its no everyones cup o tea – that fact that its made in Belgium, in French, with English subtitles would put most people of I imagine.
But stick it oot eh?
Put a wee bitty intae it and youll get loads back oot!
Heres a wee scene from it that ah found on youtube -
Its mental eh?
Like the scariest Stella Artois advert ever.
Ah dinna want tae give the plot away – but its quite normal fair – a guy gets caught in the back o beyond amongst some fucked up people and needs to get oot pronto …
Its been done hundreds a times before – but no like this … no where near ah tellin ye!
What with sexually wanton old age pensioners and pig fucking (… at least I think it was a pig) in the mix it is a troubling brew.
But thats what has always attracted me to “World Cinema” – they dinna pull any punches.
And they dont feel a need tae explain it aw away before the films tiltles roll.
Ah mean lets compare it with a recent multiplex equivilant -
So there ah was … Large popcorn ( …half sweet/half salt … make sure ye mix it up a bit!), Large Coke and no neds or miscreants anywhere in the cinema aisles around me.
Just the way BawBags likes it.
C’mon New Hollywood – show me how “New” ye actually are eh!?
And then the film starts …
Wait a minute?
This isnae too bad …
Its punchy and pacy and the dialogue doesnt grate yer teeth … Theres a tension underneath … then its in your face – no quite a rollercoaster but mair of a dodgem.
Ahm thinkin its got guts and body to it and then ….
They fuckin sell oot at the last gasp.
The Big Disney Turnaround … ah reckon if ah waited aboot to see the credits roll Bambi would swung intae frame with a swoosh of disney strings and gie it the big eyed blink and shake o the tale.
Ah didnae hang around that long though.
Ah was the first oot the door – left half of ma popcorn too … the sweet half.
They even messed that up – Cannae blame New Hollywood for that though eh?
On the subject of “Big Disney Turnarounds” the worst example I have ever encountered was the Hollywood remake of a Dutch film “Spoorloos” (The Vanishing).
Ah dinnae want tae get into the complexities of the plot but the upshot of it was tha the guy in the Dutch original gets buried alive … whereas good old Keifer Sutherland manages tae dig himself oot in the Hollywood one.
Crap eh?!
Naw but really – I was a bit of a “World Cinema” buff when ah was a teenager – none ay that Turgid Top Gun Jumanji Stew fir me!
Nah it was Pixote, Man Bites Dog and French film noir Tandoori!!!
Variety is after all the spice of life!
And ah cottoned on to that at an early juncture …
I was fourteen and ma brother and some of his mates had spent the whole school holidays gathering magic mushrooms and drying them oot in ma grannys airing cupboard.
While ah wis arsing about down there one day I found a few that had fallen between the two water tanks … the very dab ah thought! … In fear that ma brother would catch me with them and promptly kick ma baws, ah pocketed them and hid them in ma bedroom till ah wis on ma own one night.
I made a brew and soaked them in it – tasted bloody awful.
It wasnt what I expected – it was gentle … no giggles, no hallucinations … none o that – just a kinda hieghtened awareness.
I sat down for a showing of Les Diabolique (an old black and white French thriller) that was on BBC2 I think at aboot 2 in the morning.
Fuck me!
That film nearly killed me – and I mean that.
When that guy comes oot the bath … ma heart almost exploded.
Never forget that – not as long as I live.
Whenever I see a clip of that film now I feel glass shattering within ma very being – Spooky.
Anyway thats another film you should check oot if the fancy takes ye!
Make sure its the original ye see …
Hollywood screwed the remake.
The History Boys
December 29, 2007 at 12:37 pm | In Hate, TV | 1 Comment
Bawbags has got loads o time on his hands up here.
Friday night during the most festive week of the year and there I was all on my Jack Jones. I had intended making headway into Will Selfs “The Book Of Dave” but my mother had retired to her bed early and was snoring loudly – these council houses have crap ceilings ahm telling ye – the place was shaking with it! – Poor old dear!
So without having the necessary conditions for literary appreciation I decided tae stick the gogglebox on and chanced upon the above award winning piece of art.
It turned out to be revelation for me … I MUST BE DIFFERENT FROM EVERY SINGLE OTHER HUMAN BEING WHO HAS SEEN THIS MOVIE!
It is absolute TOSH!!!
Cant everyone see that?
It is the brainchild of Alan Bennett …
… the guy responsible for those wonderful “Talking Head” things.
He seriously fucked up here though.
At some point in the writing … the bit between thought and expression … he mustve dissappeared up his own arse and replaced those National Health glasses with a pair of very pink tinted spectacles.
Hey Bawbags! … how can ye possibly swim against the huge wave of acclaim that this film has garnered?!!!
Easy!
Ah went tae school in the same decade as the film was set in.
And it just fucking wasnt like that … no just for me … but no for ANYONE!!!
If you aint seen the film then you have no idea what I am on about … but as a quick synopsis its kinda like “The Dead Poets Society” but instead of schmaltzy american teenage bonhomie there is a fey british teenage yearning for knowledge … and cock.
Yip!
COCK!!!!!
Apparently they fuckin loved cock back then ….. couldnae stop thinkin about it!!!
Get a grip.
IT WAS SHEFFEILD.
IT WAS 1983.
Are you trying to tell me that it was like this in any kind of school ….
… Nae chance pal!!!
Smouldering gay sexual tension, wanton stares between teacher and pupil, stolen affectionate hugs behind the bike shed were not commonplace.
For christ sake Thatcher would be kicking the fuck out of the miners in a few short months …
… not exactly the climate for homosexual openness was it?
Nah! It was bastard hard in every school around that era.
The film is just too much out of time and place to be accepted by Bawbags.
Given all that though …
Frances De La Tour wis fuckin magin in it!!!
Ah wis still expectin Rigsby tae poke his heid roon the door though!!!
Now THAT wouldve been pure class.
Prove me wrong.
The Great Global Warming Swindle
March 8, 2007 at 11:33 pm | In TV | 4 Comments
Just watched the above named documentary on Channel 4.
Brilliant!
Co2 emmisions, greenhouse effects and the murder of Mother Earth … So its aw a load of shite eh?!
That tickles me.
Coldplays next albums probably up the swanney! … fingers crossed.
Thats them … probably wondering whit the fuck to witter on about now – ye cannae squeeze ten songs from a commitment to Fair Trade alone eh Chris?!
All they tree huggers will be pissed off the night …
Whit next? … Smokings good for you?
Or is it just a conspiracy to defeat what may well be a conspiracy.
Counter Conspiracy Theories!!!
Magic!
Ahm feelin dizzy fae it aw!!!
Richard & Judys Book Club
February 21, 2007 at 5:59 pm | In TV | Leave a CommentWhit a heap of tripe!
You know what Id love to see? …
Id love it if one of the “celebrity” reviewers they have on say …
“This book is absolute shite … I fuckin hated it”
They all love whatever book it is … hows that come about? … I read all the time and only about one in ten books I think are any good … the other 9 I feel shouldnt have even be written.
And only about 1 in 100 of those good ones Id be prepared to rave about on the tele!
And as for that Richard Madeley …
Hes a card eh?!
Well, thats what he seems to think … I reckon he tries to come across as an “everyman” figure.
I cannae be doing with that at all.
Poor Judy.
Ah cannae be arsed with her either.
Still watch them when ah can though.
And if theyre married why is one Finnegan and the other Madeley?
Hows that work?!!!
You Tube!!!
February 15, 2007 at 8:44 pm | In TV | Leave a CommentDid you see this on Never Mind The Buzzcocks the other night?
Whit a Tube!
He will never live it down.
End of career.
Do you remember him slagging of George Galloway on Celebrity Big Brother?
“A cheating politician … what a surprise!” he kept saying.
Ahm sure he gleamed that from some wank song he listened to in puberty.
Any ideas?
They had an album called “Over the counter culture” … remember it?
Well it looks like the counter culture are now over you!
Amazin how you can fuck up your own credibility just by being yourself aint it!
Useless Article No. 2
January 10, 2007 at 11:57 pm | In TV, Useless Articles | 4 Comments
Leo Sayer
Apparently he “Feels Thunder In His Heart”
That aint thunder mate … its called psychosis.
Pure White Hot Raging Psychosis.
Leo Sayer is as mad as a bag of spanners … prove me wrong.
You gotta be in it tae win it!!!
December 18, 2006 at 12:06 am | In TV | Leave a CommentOh yeah, nearly forgot to tell you!
For years I have had the same numbers for the lottery – 1, 4, 9, 14, 20, 49 and 4, 8, 12,14,15, 18 … those numbers were significant and meaningful to me at one stage in my life … but it was that long ago I have forgotten why!!!
I dont put them on all the time, sometimes I forget to and sometimes I cant be arsed.
If I had put them on on Wednesday night I would have won 10 pound on one line and 77 pound on the other.
Shithawk!
Could be worse though … let one of Scotlands Patron Saints illustrate …
Rab C Nesbitt … On Yersel Big Man!!!
What Television is for …
December 11, 2006 at 11:58 pm | In TV | 1 Comment… in case you dont know already …
… this American show just pisses over anything else ever done in television … ever.
CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM … thank you.
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