Harry BawBags Blurt

… and ah didnae think twice.

BawBags is tired.

All those idiots I have to suffer.

None of them fit to be in a kitchen … And thats the truth.

I have worked five 13 hour shifts in a row and today was supposed be ma sixth. Ah slept in, which is VERY unusual for BawBags, and arrived at 6.30am instead of the usual 5.30am.

It shouldve been ok … I had one of my chefs start at 6 … I say shouldve but this guy is as much use as an ashtray on a moped.

Breakfast this week was simple … a canteen affair … basic fare of bacon, beans and grilled tomatoes is all that was required today – 500 covers right enough! .. but when its that simple any tube should manage it nae bother.

So in walks Bawbags an hour before service and heres this monkey sitting on top of a chest freezer … picking his nose, reading the paper and listening tae the radio. He had one tray of bacon under a grill. ONE TRAY !!! No beans in the steamer yet. No tomatoes sliced either.

No a word fae Bawbags tho (having been advised tae temper his temper earlier this week) … ah dived intae the action – got the beans in a combination oven and dragged oot the trolley with the other thirty trays o bacon on oot the fridge and fired up the other three grills … as ah did that though ah came over all funny and ah swear tae christ ah nearly fainted!

In the space of the last four weeks I have battled through two dog nasty chest infections … it has weakened me like nothing before. Its worrying as I have never been that ill twice in a DECADE before … never mind a month!

Ah steadied masel and waited for ma second wind tae kick in – BawBags is like Lazarus usually … but it took a couple o minutes longer than expected.

Ah looked at the other chef and thought “Nah … Fuck it!”.

“Hoi! … Dickie!!!” ah shouts over to him … thats no his name … its an antiquated term used by chefs for other chefs that I have been in the habit of using lately (If yer the Head Chef yer the Head Dickie, if yer a commie chef yer just plain Dickie … get the drift?) … anyway ma brigade think its a form of camaraderie between us all … but I emphasise the DICK part whenever I say it … and that way they cannae have me for it! … and said with enough venom the message is clearly understood by all.

“Theres yer bacon, youve got 45minutes … get yer fuckin fingers oot yer holes … yer on yer own. If yer a cook ye can manage it.”

He started tae remonstrate but ah didnae give him the chance … BawBags was oot the door intae the changing room.

As ah was getting oot ma whites and intae ma civvies ah remembered about the special diets we have in this week.

So ah popped ma head round the door before ah left the building and shouted “Hoi … Dickie! … yer first 70 guests are Halal … make sure theyve got a cooked option to have!”

“Whats Halal?” He says …

“Like ah said, if yer a cook ye can manage it, and thats what theyre payin ye tae be!”

A told the restaurant staff tae pass a message onto the Catering Manager to say that ahm no fit for work … and BawBags was oot the door and off back tae his bed.

Ah hope they Islamics like Rice Krispies!!!