Harry BawBags Blurt

Entirely sick of the usual festive fair on the television I thought the chances of me seeing a movie that got me “in the zone” were very slim indeed.

But I chanced upon Calvaire (The Ordeal) showing on Film 4 last night.

Ye gotta see this film man – it didnt exactly make ma teeth rattle but ah couldnt help feel that something had tried to scratch ma insides!

Its no everyones cup o tea – that fact that its made in Belgium, in French, with English subtitles would put most people of I imagine.

But stick it oot eh?

Put a wee bitty intae it and youll get loads back oot!

Heres a wee scene from it that ah found on youtube -

Its mental eh?

Like the scariest Stella Artois advert ever.

Ah dinna want tae give the plot away – but its quite normal fair – a guy gets caught in the back o beyond amongst some fucked up people and needs to get oot pronto …

Its been done hundreds a times before – but no like this … no where near ah tellin ye!

What with sexually wanton old age pensioners and pig fucking (… at least I think it was a pig) in the mix it is a troubling brew.

But thats what has always attracted me to “World Cinema” – they dinna pull any punches.

And they dont feel a need tae explain it aw away before the films tiltles roll.

Ah mean lets compare it with a recent multiplex equivilant -

So there ah was … Large popcorn ( …half sweet/half salt … make sure ye mix it up a bit!), Large Coke and no neds or miscreants anywhere in the cinema aisles around me.

Just the way BawBags likes it.

C’mon New Hollywood – show me how “New” ye actually are eh!?

And then the film starts …

Wait a minute?

This isnae too bad …

Its punchy and pacy and the dialogue doesnt grate yer teeth … Theres a tension underneath … then its in your face – no quite a rollercoaster but mair of a dodgem.

Ahm thinkin its got guts and body to it and then ….

They fuckin sell oot at the last gasp.

The Big Disney Turnaround … ah reckon if ah waited aboot to see the credits roll Bambi would swung intae frame with a swoosh of disney strings and gie it the big eyed blink and shake o the tale.

Ah didnae hang around that long though.

Ah was the first oot the door – left half of ma popcorn too … the sweet half.

They even messed that up – Cannae blame New Hollywood for that though eh?

On the subject of “Big Disney Turnarounds” the worst example I have ever encountered was the Hollywood remake of a Dutch film “Spoorloos” (The Vanishing).

Ah dinnae want tae get into the complexities of the plot but the upshot of it was tha the guy in the Dutch original gets buried alive … whereas good old Keifer Sutherland manages tae dig himself oot in the Hollywood one.

Crap eh?!

Naw but really – I was a bit of a “World Cinema” buff when ah was a teenager – none ay that Turgid Top Gun Jumanji Stew fir me!

Nah it was Pixote, Man Bites Dog and French film noir Tandoori!!!

Variety is after all the spice of life!

And ah cottoned on to that at an early juncture …

I was fourteen and ma brother and some of his mates had spent the whole school holidays gathering magic mushrooms and drying them oot in ma grannys airing cupboard.

While ah wis arsing about down there one day I found a few that had fallen between the two water tanks … the very dab ah thought! … In fear that ma brother would catch me with them and promptly kick ma baws, ah pocketed them and hid them in ma bedroom till ah wis on ma own one night.

I made a brew and soaked them in it – tasted bloody awful.

It wasnt what I expected – it was gentle … no giggles, no hallucinations … none o that – just a kinda hieghtened awareness.

I sat down for a showing of Les Diabolique (an old black and white French thriller) that was on BBC2 I think at aboot 2 in the morning.

Fuck me!

That film nearly killed me – and I mean that.

When that guy comes oot the bath … ma heart almost exploded.

Never forget that – not as long as I live.

Whenever I see a clip of that film now I feel glass shattering within ma very being – Spooky.

Anyway thats another film you should check oot if the fancy takes ye!

Make sure its the original ye see …

Hollywood screwed the remake.