Happy Hogmany …
December 31, 2007 at 8:18 pm | In Uncategorized | 2 CommentsListen …
Bawbags isnae a miserable bastard!
Hes no a Grinch!
And neither is he the type of bloke tae pour scorn on aw the celebrations that this time o year seems tae promise.
Its just that this time last year I was cleaning a bank of manky fryers and this time round I am planning to go ta ma bed before the bells.
No Drink. No Party. No First Footing with a lump o coal.
Nah.
Im getting up at 5am in order tae get on the road tae drive almost the whole length of this sceptered isle.
Hogmanys no what it used tae be anyway … people get oot of their boxes most weekends these days – so its no like its anything unique eh?
But never mind me!
This is a message to YOU!
Aw the very best for the coming year & have a stoater of a night the night!!!
Ye Deserve it!!!
The History Boys
December 29, 2007 at 12:37 pm | In Hate, TV | 1 Comment
Bawbags has got loads o time on his hands up here.
Friday night during the most festive week of the year and there I was all on my Jack Jones. I had intended making headway into Will Selfs “The Book Of Dave” but my mother had retired to her bed early and was snoring loudly – these council houses have crap ceilings ahm telling ye – the place was shaking with it! – Poor old dear!
So without having the necessary conditions for literary appreciation I decided tae stick the gogglebox on and chanced upon the above award winning piece of art.
It turned out to be revelation for me … I MUST BE DIFFERENT FROM EVERY SINGLE OTHER HUMAN BEING WHO HAS SEEN THIS MOVIE!
It is absolute TOSH!!!
Cant everyone see that?
It is the brainchild of Alan Bennett …
… the guy responsible for those wonderful “Talking Head” things.
He seriously fucked up here though.
At some point in the writing … the bit between thought and expression … he mustve dissappeared up his own arse and replaced those National Health glasses with a pair of very pink tinted spectacles.
Hey Bawbags! … how can ye possibly swim against the huge wave of acclaim that this film has garnered?!!!
Easy!
Ah went tae school in the same decade as the film was set in.
And it just fucking wasnt like that … no just for me … but no for ANYONE!!!
If you aint seen the film then you have no idea what I am on about … but as a quick synopsis its kinda like “The Dead Poets Society” but instead of schmaltzy american teenage bonhomie there is a fey british teenage yearning for knowledge … and cock.
Yip!
COCK!!!!!
Apparently they fuckin loved cock back then ….. couldnae stop thinkin about it!!!
Get a grip.
IT WAS SHEFFEILD.
IT WAS 1983.
Are you trying to tell me that it was like this in any kind of school ….
… Nae chance pal!!!
Smouldering gay sexual tension, wanton stares between teacher and pupil, stolen affectionate hugs behind the bike shed were not commonplace.
For christ sake Thatcher would be kicking the fuck out of the miners in a few short months …
… not exactly the climate for homosexual openness was it?
Nah! It was bastard hard in every school around that era.
The film is just too much out of time and place to be accepted by Bawbags.
Given all that though …
Frances De La Tour wis fuckin magin in it!!!
Ah wis still expectin Rigsby tae poke his heid roon the door though!!!
Now THAT wouldve been pure class.
Prove me wrong.
Happy Birthday Tae Me!!!
December 26, 2007 at 3:00 pm | In Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
31 the Day eh?!!!
I stripped naked in front of ma mothers full length mirror and viewed the damage.
Ach! … Could be a lot worse!!!
Gies a kiss ya sexy beast!!!
The Ghosts of Christmas Past …
December 25, 2007 at 2:42 pm | In BawBag Towers, Hate, Neighbours, Work | Leave a CommentWell I arrived safe and sound at ma mothers hoose at 3.30am on Xmas morning …
The M6 & M5 & M74 were fine all the way up but as soon as I hit the A9 to take me through the Highlands the fog descended and it was SPOOKY & DANGEROUS!!!
I only passed about 10 cars the whole way up…
I was caught short near the Drumochter Pass and had to stop the car in a lay-by to relieve my bladder in the pitch dark.
It was the first time I had ever done that kinda thing – well thats a wee bit of a lie.
I had taken a pee outdoors before but not like that – there was nothing to do it against so to speak.
No tree, No wall or No bush.
No vanity screen if you get ma drift.
Just poor wee Bawbags and a strip of tarmac amongst the mountains in the back of beyond.
I had visions of one ay they guys fae John Carpenters “The Fog” just appearing in front of me …
… and gutting me in an instant.
It was the quickest pish I ever had.
No long after that the ghosts started tae haunt me … its amazing what a roadsign can do tae yer state of mind.
I was only 42 miles away from Bawbag Towers – My Ex Domicile.
I was only 42 miles away from my fellow partners in low living – Patel, The Jakey & the Drug Dealing Distillery Worker.
A wave of nostalgia washed over me and I was beaming – grinning like a loon in fact.
Fuck Me I LOVED those guys.
But then almost immediately I realised that I was only 42 miles from all the other shite – The newly married ex, The 4 years of graft and various other items of keech and tollie.
I resisted the temptation of a quick drive around memory lane and battled on tae ma mothers another 100 miles up the road.
Sometimes you have tae just let go of things.
Its hard tae find the strength tae do that.
But I now know I have found it.
Forever Onwards.
…. the light at the end of the tunnel
December 24, 2007 at 11:58 am | In Work | Leave a Comment(Written on 24th of December 2007)
Thats it!
Bawbags has made it.
I have just finished the hardest period of graft in my life … I never want to have another year like this.
Here is the hand that has been dealt to me of late –
I came to this job by chance … my life was in a state of flux and I just needed a wage and a place to sleep.
Shelter from the storm and all that shite.
They started me as a commis chef – the bottom of the ladder.
Ah wisnae bothered – ah wisnae wantin anything more and ye cannae really expect it when you enter a kitchen brigade mid season.
Within a fortnight I was Head Chef – the guy who was previously in that position had to leave the companys employ … on account of him being shite.
I wouldnt of let him make ma bed – never mind ma dinner.
Then about a month after that the Catering Manager takes a nervous breakdown.
Apparently he is the third one in a row to suffer that fate … not a good sign eh?
Anyway, he was given two weeks off and the company asks me to look after things in the meantime – nae bother. Its really a head chefs job to cover a catering managers leave anyway.
Ah didnae mind.
But then he comes back after the time off.
He is even worse than he was before – to see a man in his fifties having to hold his left arm with his right hand in order for it to stop shaking is quite sobering – ah mean, its not like he wis oot in Afghanistan or something … he was running a catering department fir gods sake.
He told me in confidence that he couldnt walk anywhere without being in contact with a wall or solid surface – as soon as he stepped into open space a panic attack would hit him.
“Dont worry” he said “I wont need any help clearing my desk”
So that was him gone then.
The next thing I know the company are asking me to look after the whole operation until the end of the season.
Ah wisnae really up for it – nae support ye see – absolute shite staff.
BUT! … Ive managed it!
Just …
And got a tasty wee xmas bonus tae boot …
Beat that!
Looks Good eh? … but it cost more than ma fair share of blood, sweat and tears.
It will never be this good again though!
So Xmas and Hogmany approaches and it is time to return from exile into the stifling bosom of ma hometown in the Highlands.
I am setting of in a moment for the big drive and should arrive about 3am Xmas morning.
Thing is – no internet connection.
So god knows when I will be able to post any entries I write.
Watch this space good people … I am still knocking up ma site of shite too … a work in progress.
Aw the best.
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