Harry BawBags Blurt

Ahm pure fuct off so I ahm.

Since I last blogged ahve been getting ma heid boiled … well thats what it looks like anyway.

Ahve been stricken by some kind of skin disorder and it feels like Im getting my face turned inside oot!

It started about five days ago.

I got out of the shower and was drying myself off and ma face just kinda felt tight, I thought nothing of it and just carried on my usual routine.

Ye see the thing is Bawbags isnt the vain type … he doesnt even bother looking in the mirror most mornings.

90% of his daily ablutions are carried out within the confines of his shower – the washing of face and body, the brushing of teeth, the shaving of beard and sometimes head are all done there – its easier that way … all goes down the one hole.

In more care free and bohemian moments the emptying of bladder is sometimes included in that list … but never, nae never, the evacuation of bowel.

Apart from just that one time which I dont really wish to expand on in public forum.

But I will say this …

There is a Scottish musical group called Arab Strap … infact they are now no more as they have recently disbanded.

I had always had a very deep affection for them … the first time I ever heard them I could’ve sworn that I thought they were talking about me. Their cultural reference points, their backgrounds, their language and, to some extent, their lifestyle mirrored mine exactly.

It really was like listening to a commentary on things that I had experienced myself.

I cannot listen to them anymore as I had a strange experience once while listening to a song of theirs.

It was one of my big music moments … an epiphany of sorts.

The first time I heard the lyrics for a song called “Fucking Little Bastards” I had to dash to press the eject button and I never put any of their cds on there again. It contains a line regarding ablutions and it is delivered in a manner that made me have the most all consuming nightmare flashback of an incident that my mind had tucked away in a box marked – “Leave Alone – Contains Degredation of Self.”

See! … Music CAN change your world!

I wont ever forget the time I heard that song – truly frightening – “Its too close too home and its to near the bone” sang someone whimsical a while back.

Anyway, enough of that shite, where was I? … Oh yes! – mirrors …

Ah never look in them unless I must.

So when I got to work I was a bit alarmed to see the reaction in their faces …”Fucks sake mate! … Whit happened to ye? … Somebody drag ye here by yer feet!”

I looked in the mirror in the kitchen office … Fuckin Hell! … Its The Singing Detective!

I was scared – no joke – it looked like I had very deep sunburn … dry and peeling … except for ma nose – it alone was in tip top condition but the rest had melted to flaky shite.

Ah was straight to the doctors in double quick time.

So ahve gotta use steriodal cream, antihistamines and special moisturisers for the next ten days.

Ahm not vain, but ah fucking hate looking like a belisha beacon.

Pure murder so it is.

The doctor cannae work oot the exact cause … “Could be a number of things” he says.

Could be stress … Could be an allergy … Could be excema …

Or it could be that I, Harry BawBags, occasionally have a piss in the shower.

Im a bad bad man.

Aw the best

P.S. – Ahm pretty sure its an allergy

P.P.S. – Honest!!!