Harry BawBags Blurt

… is an expression you will hear in certain parts of Scotland, Glasgow in particular.

To try and translate it into something a non-Scottish person would understand is very difficult, but basically, when you are caught up in a crowd of people and you are trying to get somewhere quickly but you just cant because of them … ” this is Murder Polis” is the expression you will often hear. (Where it comes from id love to know … any ideas?)

Well it was pure fuckin murder polis the other day shopping in Inverness … youd think it was bloody Carnaby Street or something!

Xmas shoppers, I hate them I do. They wander aimlessly around with eyes like big plates, mesmerised by the bright lights and conned by the so called bargains. Retail Therapy?!!! … I was that enervated by it all after one short hour I had to go and have a wee quiet moment to myself up a back street … drivin me fuckin crazy so it was!

I have particular venom for the ones that just decide to stop dead in their tracks, so you almost crash right into them, causing a pile up of consumers … and the reason … none! ( well none apparent ) They tend to be OAPs, or what we term up here as Coffin-dodgers. And when you crash into them you feel guilty and end up apologising when it should be the other way round!

Also high on my ever increasing list of hate are couples, young and old, who INSIST on holding hands while caught up in the maelstrom. Fucks sake! … okay you maybe in love the pair of you, but cant you see there are 50 odd people risking life and limb by stepping of the pavement and onto the road so you pair can continue sauntering up the street with your heads up your arses! … Doe eyed motherfuckers! … they should cut your fuckin hands off for such shite.

But my one true beacon of hatred in the sea of christmas shopping are the cunts who see you approaching, in the opposite direction to them, but seem to make no concession to that fact whatsoever. You end up doing the bodyswerve to avoid contact with them or more likely their Mothercare & Argos carrybags laden with all manner of shite. THEY DO NOT CHANGE COURSE OR REDIRECT THEMSELVES BY ONE LITTLE INCH!!! … It happened to me that day, i nearly sent this daft bints shopping spinning all over the pavement, I TRIED to avoid doing that and if she had the sense to try as well, our efforts combined would have let us both pass in peace … but no … not this hag!

“I think the word is sorry” she said with her voice raised, trying to make me look a prick in front of everyone … I was so shocked at the sheer front of it I just carried on walking and paid no heed whatsoever … Stupid Cunt!

I have decided on a course of action and I am resolute to carry it out … the next time it is Murder Polis anywhere and I am caught up in it and on collision course with some mesmerised shopper … I aint gonna move, waver or swerve an inch to avoid contact … What I am gonna do is brace myself, tighten the steel that is in my shoulders, I aint bragging about it but my shoulders are ridiculously strong for someone who is only five foot eight … years of weight training and shinty have hardened them into granite and what with my low centre of gravity, if they wanna play “pavement chicken”, I will put them on their arse right there in the street!

So if you ever see a squat wee scotsman, striding down the street with steam coming outa his ears … LOOK OUT!!!

Or you could just shout, “Hey Bawbags, Chill Oot!, its Christmas after all!”

Id thank you for it.

Lata.