Useful Article No. 1
December 30, 2006 at 8:24 pm | In Useful Articles | 1 Comment
Wow!!!
And I truly mean that.
This book is fantastic.
Please read it.
P.S. – Happy Death to Saddam … mibbe he shoulda read this book before the hanging … it was all for nothing mate – pie in the sky – claptrap of the highest order.
Useless Article No. 1
December 30, 2006 at 8:15 pm | In Shopping, Useless Articles | 1 Comment
The Jamie Oliver Pepper Grinder
I got this as a little “stocking filler” for xmas – it comes with a little bit of blurb written by Jamie himself … he says he first came across this kind of grinder through a friend who apparently is involved in the manufacture of the best drums in the musical instrument trade, apparently.
Why does he tell us this? … I know!
Its to palm some of the blame off himself for intoducing such a shite product … and it truly is shite!!!
It didnt work … then it broke … now its in the bin.
If you are looking for advice on kitchen equipment … dont trust people who make percussion instruments … or talk shite like Jamie Oliver.
Oh and by the way Jamie, your flavour shaker has been around a while – do the words Pestle & Mortar ring any bells?
Hows Yersel ??? …
December 30, 2006 at 4:41 pm | In Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
Well im back in the glorious comfort of BawBag Towers after spending an exceedingly boring christmas with the old dear.
What can I say about it … nada, zilch, absolutely fuck all … I spent all my time just watching series 1 to 5 of Curb Your Enthusiasm, eating Quality Street and contemplating Atheism.
Yes, thats right – ATHEISM.
Why? … All will be divulged in a different entry … Im gonna be doing a series of occasional posts about stuff wich I find Useless or Useful … its gonna be pretty random but interesting … says BawBags!
Anyway, yip, Im Back
Good Christmas altogether really … purely because of the fact that I had a break from being here!!!
You may remember the Jakey from downstairs was facing eviction before I left … Well, he is still a tenant of Heartbreak Hotel! … I bumped into him in the street and he was all jovial and asking me round for a christmas drink tonight! … Fuck knows how he got the money together to pay for that window? … Maybe Santa eh!
Plus I also bumped into the pot dealers girlfriend goin up the stairs … shes at the uni in Dundee studying nursing and she is fit as a butchers dog!!! Lucky Bastard has obviously been getting it all christmas while I shivered in ma wee single bed in ma Ma’s hoose!!! … Fair play to him.
Anyway … gotta find out how that Jakey got the money and I will let you know!
Welcome Back BawBags!
Break in Transmission
December 22, 2006 at 9:23 pm | In Uncategorized | 6 Comments
The thought of bein stuck here masel on xmas and ma birthday has been haunting me over the last week or so …
So, Im off to spend the festive period with ma dear old mum … I will be taking my Macbook but I doubt I will be able to find a wi-fi spot for it … so I cant post again till at least Friday the 29th December.
Anyway, to all reading this – Merry Xmas and aw the best.
Oh, and treat yourselves!!!
Lata
Christmas Greet … 3 years = 3 words
December 22, 2006 at 2:30 am | In Wimmin | 3 Comments
Another little missive from my life of grime before I try to sleep.
It maybe the reason why I wont sleep tonight.
Mr Patel, my landlord, caught a hold of me on Wednesday and gave me a christmas card sealed in a bonny looking envelope … I was in a rush and just left it in my bag and forgot about it … I came across it again earlier tonight.
I think christmas cards are useless articles and always go on about it to everyone – “Dont bother givin me one cause im no giving any out!” … “Sentimental Trash!” I tell them we a smile on ma face. It use to drive the ex nuts!!! She soon learnt and stopped giving me them.
But I thought it was so nice of my landlord and his family to give me one, I took the time out and sat down and opened it.
It was not a Christmas card.
It was just plain … minimalist you would say.
It was from the Ex … she mustve put it into the shop for me to pick up.
I was with her for 3 years – There were 3 words written inside.
Happy Birthday Harry.
Im 30 on the 26th of December.
Ho-Hum.
The Harry BawBags Loans Company …
December 22, 2006 at 2:01 am | In Neighbours | Leave a Comment
… Jakeys need not apply
Going up the stairs to Bawbag Towers, on a quick break from work to pick up my turkey baster (Honestly!!!!), I “bumped” into the jakey from Flat 4. When I say “bumped” I am lying. There was nothing random about this encounter. He had obviously been at the other side of his door, waiting patiently on the off chance that I walk past his flat. Creepy.
“Have you gotta minute son?”
“Eh aye … but no long though eh, Im sposed to be in the restaurant”
He takes me through the door and into his kitchen … “You wantin a cup of tea? – the kettles on”
Och well, its nice to be nice. “Aye go on then, have to be quick though”
I knew what was coming … I could see where they fitted the new window, a big double glazed one … the reason that I knew it was new was that the lazy bastard hadnt even removed the masking tape crossed in its middle.
“Look son, Ah was wonderin if you could see yer way clear tae lending me 80 odd pound, till next month like, ahm expecting a wee payout then see …”
Hes got the teabags out of the cups and hes trying to put them in a bin full to the brim already … he fails and they fall on the lino.
“… its just that the ex-wifes no well and ahve gotta go up to look after the bairns over christmas like … “
No mention of the window … he must think Im a soft touch.
I quickly cut in, “Ah, look mate … you couldnt have asked me at a worse time … Im no paid till next week and ahve just paid the landlord a month in advance”
He opens the fridge while saying … “Hows about 50 then, I wouldnae ask if I wasnae desperate … its just that its bairns and its christmas and that” … theres 2 bottles of cheap vodka and an open tin of super lager sitting in the fridge staring out at me … he doesnt even try to hide it.
“Nah mate, I would if I could but I cant”
“Shite!” he says.
For one solitary second I thought he was gonna get aggressive … I braced myself.
“… ahve no got any milk.”
“Gotta dash mate, sorry!”
“Thanks all the same son”
Asbestos Fingers Vs Office Party
December 22, 2006 at 1:03 am | In Work | 1 Comment
Mad day at work today!
So, we had a group booking at the restaurant today – an office xmas lunch – right bunch of twats they were.
They booked a carvery for 25 and I jumped at the chance to do it … I love doing carverys – nice and easy, take all day with the preparation. More importantly, if Im bright and breezy while doing it in front of the customers, I can get a hefty tip – especially if theyre pissed!
2pm … Im all set up, joints are out, the veg is piping hot, Ive got bright whites and even brighter smile, giving it the old swish on the sharpening steel – bring it on! … Where the fuck are they?
2.15pm … No really, Where the FUCK are they!
2.30pm … Who the FUCK do they think they are!!!
2.35pm … In they walk. Pissed. Each and every one of them. Some of them, to put it quite frankly, were in a right fucking state. I could see the restaurant staff dropping their shoulders and thinking, “Oh Christ … what time are we gonna get oot of here the day!”
Im glad I rarely drink … They could film the scene that was infront of me and played it in schools up and down the land … Drink Sensibly Kids! … it can turn you into an arsehole … see?!
The office manager, a woman in her early fifties, was wearing a HUGE pair of DEELY-BOPPERS (Remember them?!) … now we all have to agree they were the Height of Shite, dont we. Well the ones she had on reached a new heightness of shiteness – instead of having to make do with standard baubles or stars or little santas on the end of the “boppers”, this woman managed to find a pair with a day-glow cock and balls on either end!!!
Who makes these items!
“Daddy, Daddy, what did you do at work today?” … “Well son, I screwed 1000 identical day-glow cock and balls onto 500 pairs of plastic Deely-Boppers” … “Daddy, Daddy, whats for dinner tonight?” … “Dont worry about your dinner son, Im taking you and your mum upstairs and I am gonna kill the fucking lot of us … I cant bear this Deely-Bopper Burden any more … You’ll thank me in the next life”.
Maybe she made them herself … Jesus!
Could it get any worse Bawbags? … Surely Not! … but yes, YES IT CAN!
They finally get through their starters, everything is going tickety-boo and according to plan – DESPITE the lateness which they didnt really apologise for. And up they come to the carvery to get their mains.
This guy bustles his way to the front of the line … Pink Paper Hat and a Pocketfull of Party-Poppers …
“Hey chef, would you mind if I helped you out behind there?”.
Shit …
… “No sir, that would be against food hygiene regulations and I couldnt possibly let you do that”
“All I wanna do is serve the Veg!”
“Well if you really want to help and the rest of your party dont mind, you can serve the veg from your side of the carvery … its up to you.”
Whats his game?!
I find out when the first female comes up to the accompaniments …
“Hello my darling, how would you like some stuffing with that breast … I bet you LOVE a bit of STUFFING, eh”
TEE-HEE. NUDGE NUDGE, WINK WINK.
Fuck me! … he must’ve said the same thing to EVERY female! Most of them were in earshot of each-other too!!!
I was half expecting to hear something like “Yer patters’ shite mate, sit doon!” … but it didnt come. Some of the women even tittered. TITTERED!!! … Where the fuck is Germain Greer when you need her eh?!
While all this was going on I was struggling. I had fucked up. I had left the plate warmers on and because the party was so late in turning up, the plates were white bloody hot … even I was feeling it! (12 years cheffing = asbestos fingers … no joke!)
Nae bother though, the party members wouldnt have to touch them cause we use wooden plate bases at the restaurant – so I was warning each and everyone of them “Please dont touch the actual plates, theyre very hot, be careful on the way back to your table” Blah Blah … I was getting away with it too!
Then the queue finished and it was only Mr Nudge Nudge left.
“Spose I better have mine now chef eh! And remember Ill be wantin a double portion seein as ahve done half yer work for ye!”
The customer is always right BawBags! … Grin and bear it … play yer cairds right n mibbe you’ll score a big tip.
“Aye, Nae Bother. Whats it to be sir? …Turkey?, Ham?, Beef?”
“Ill have the lot … if its nae bother”
So I pile it on, him nodding when he gets enough of one thing as a signal for me to move onto the next. The foods piled like a fucking mountain! … and im thinking “Jesus Christ! … This plate is the hottest thing Ive EVER fucking held!”
I go to get the plate base … Shit! … none left.
“Sir, if you dont mind Ill take your plate to your table for you, I dont have any bases left and they are a bit on the hot side” (fucking burning coals more like!!!)
“Oh Im sure Ill be ok chef, just hand it over”
“But sir they really are …”
“Dont be stupid! … If you can hold it, so can I … give it here”
He grabbed at it, kinda trying to use only his fingertips … daft fucker … I pushed it into his hand so he was forced to grip it fully …
I thought – If you want it … Fucking Take It!
He smiled at me and turned towards his table … two steps later and his WHOLE body seemed to judder … and the plate is literaly thrown skywards … ” OOHH YOU BASTARD … ma fuckin hand!”
Hes holding his hand out and gritting his teeth in agony … and the look he gave me … Well, it was like I had shat in his hat or something.
PRICK!
Revenge is a dish served cold … on a piping hot plate.
TEE-HEE
Heartbreak Hotel – Damage Report
December 19, 2006 at 11:16 pm | In Neighbours | 2 Comments
So, I went into the shop tonight to pay my rent to the landlord …
“Harry, my friend … you are my favourite tenant!” said Mr Patel (…not his real name obviously! I dont think he would appreciate me using his real name on the blog – not that he or anyone knows about it!) “… and you have money for me too! Wonderful!”.
I like my Pakistani landlord … please dont see the term Paki/Pakistani as racist – he uses it himself believe it or not. He is proud of his origins. He always seems to be full of the joys and his shop is always full of laughter and good cheer – Its a family affair … his wife, one son and two daughters are all in his employ … I doubt wether he pays well though … I doubt they even think about it, they just kinda see it as keeping the family boat afloat I expect … and afloat it is!!!, judging by the mansion-esque house they reside in at the top of town and the very swish Audi parked outside. They are a part of the community and very well looked upon … I go in there for a pint of milk sometimes and end up being there for an hour and a half – the craic is that good! His daughters are very cool and almost TOO easy on the eye, worryingly so in fact … he’d gouge my eyes out, lets just leave it at that!
I paid a month in advance … his smile was huge … “So you will be with us longer than you thought … that pleases me very much!” … “Eh, Aye … It suits me for the moment”. The place is shit, dont get me wrong – but IT DOES kinda suit me … my work is only a two minute walk away and the rent is no bad plus the fact that I aint got nowhere else to go! – Back tae ma mothers? No Chance!. But like ah say, there is a stigma attached to living in Heartbreak Hotel … put it this way, if I met some bird out on a Saturday night – there is NO WAY Im gonna tell her where I live – she’d do the vanishing act!
“Wee bit of a racket downstairs on Saturday night” I said.
“Dont talk to me about those bloody drunk bastards!” … I was quite taken aback – it was the first time I had heard him swear.
“120 pounds to get that window fixed … Ive given him till Friday to pay up, and if not – he’s out”
Ouch! … there aint no way that jakey has got anything saved up for a rainy day … he’ll be in a cardboard box by the weekend.
I blethered for a while and managed to get a cheeky wee smile from one of his daughters before I left and made my way up the stairs to BawBag Towers. (Think I might of imagined the smile in retrospect!).
I found a note that had been pushed under my door.
Can you pop down and see me for a minute when you get in, Cheers. ___________ Flat 4 … (Name withheld by me – Fuck knows why! … he’s never gonna work a computer let alone reads a blog!)
He’ll be after a lend of money … Sorry Mate – Nae Chance … might of helped if the note didnt stink of pish – I washed my hands immediately!!!
My Xbox awaits.
Lata
Two more additions to the Blogroll
December 18, 2006 at 9:02 pm | In Blogroll | 5 CommentsWith Wood … I cant quite put my finger on why I like this blog … but I like it.
StandInAQueue … does what it says on the tin.
You gotta be in it tae win it!!!
December 18, 2006 at 12:06 am | In TV | Leave a CommentOh yeah, nearly forgot to tell you!
For years I have had the same numbers for the lottery – 1, 4, 9, 14, 20, 49 and 4, 8, 12,14,15, 18 … those numbers were significant and meaningful to me at one stage in my life … but it was that long ago I have forgotten why!!!
I dont put them on all the time, sometimes I forget to and sometimes I cant be arsed.
If I had put them on on Wednesday night I would have won 10 pound on one line and 77 pound on the other.
Shithawk!
Could be worse though … let one of Scotlands Patron Saints illustrate …
Rab C Nesbitt … On Yersel Big Man!!!
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